Title: Bitchfight!
Pairing: Severus/Lucius, Remus/Sirius implied
Rating: PG-13, because they's all dirty mouths. Bad, bad language.
A/N: This was inspired by the song and video by Brooke Valentine, Girlfight, along with madTV's Gangsta Fight (look how that one turned out, lol). And other various rap songs. See if you can spot any. Did this mostly because the plotbunny wouldn't leave me alone, and because I thought it was friggin' hilarious. The mental image was, anyway.

No offense to black people (indeed, I love sistahs and bruthas, and own way too many rap albums for a Asian person), and Hufflepuffs. I don't give a shit about Gryffindors, got beef with me then we takin' it outside.

Credit to Alicia, again, aka [livejournal.com profile] crimsonrainfall.

Aka If Hogwarts Was A Hood

Black crowed loudly. "Fuck wait for him to get it on his own. You know no matter how many cats I break bread with, I'll be breakin' whoever they send to me."

".... yeah, you know it."

"Greatest show on earth, man, you know my game... If you don't wanna get dirty, don't play." A familiar cackle split the air, drifting down the corridor along with his words.

"Never complain, never explain."

"Bitch need get a taste o' this magic stick, I'm tellin' ya. Shorty don't believe, he can drop by tonight. Next day I'll be having him up in the early morning, freakin' it again with my wand! Shit..."

Collective laughs resounded. "You a freak to the core, man."


A Hufflepuff peeked around the corner, invisible (as all Hufflepuffs are, anyway) to the Gryffindors. He quietly drew out his quill and a piece of scrap parchment, scribbling an exact transcript of what he'd just heard, and ran swiftly to the Owlery.


Lucius watched the tan-flecked barn owl approach him with curiosity. An informant tip-off, no doubt. He unfurled the tightly rolled up note.

It was the weekend, and everyone took advantage of their right to be idle layabouts, lounging around the dorms and Common Room. All of sudden, everyone jumped and fell out of their respective chairs and beds simultaneously as they heard a loud bang of a hand slamming onto a wooden table, followed by an incensed roar.

Choruses of "Wha? What the fuck, man?" grew, people looking up from floors curiously, up to the table where Lucius Malfoy sat fuming. People peeked into the Common Room, curious about the commotion.

What they witnessed was Lucius, pissed off, crushing a piece of parchment in his hand. Rage swam furiously in his eyes.

"Oh, it's on now..."


Severus looked around bewildered, watching his fellow house mates in the second boy's dorm dig out Muggle weapons from hiding places he had no idea existed. Brass knuckles were retrieved from false bottoms of various trunks, huge metal chains were tucked under robes, and light school footwear exchanged for weighty steel-toed boots. It was amazing, the amount of metal they were all carrying. They could have minted enough coins from it to overthrow a Muggle treasury, Severus thought.

The older Slytherins in Dorm Two spent the entire afternoon readying themselves. Except Severus, of course - he had no idea what was going on. The younger students in Dorm One were automatically denied permission to tag along in the coming evening, but were allowed to assist in the preparations.

Severus stopped Nott. "Why are you all arming yourselves with Muggle weapons?"

"'Cause, you can never be too prepared to scrap." Nott laughed, a dirty laugh from deep in his belly. "Can't wait, I been aching to take a swing at a Gryff for a while now." He reached under his bed, flipped a few dials on a steel box and retrieved a set of steel knuckles, designed to be heavier-set nearer to the palm for added weight - and force. He kissed it briefly. "These were my Uncle Augie's, always wanted to make 'im proud..."

Lucius required no brass knuckles; he had huge, big-ass rings, a sure symbol of his wealth. Nothing like breaking a jawbone with real diamonds, he felt. He put multiple rings on each hand, and a 4th-year handed him his coat; artic fox, to match himself.

He turned around to talk to the older students. "We wait for them. At their portrait door. After dinner, when they all come back."

Murmurs of assent and nods swept throughout the room.

Rodolphus, who was sitting the closest to Lucius, smirked. He himself was armed to the teeth with all manner of insidiously sharp objects, designed to wound unnoticeably, yet unmistakably. It was his trademark, and point of personal pride. "Talking trash in public." He snorted. "They should take it straight here, motherfuckers. Hey, Rookwood, hand my cilice. That sharp spiky thing lying on the back of that chair over there."

Rabastan paused from spelunking for his boots in the skullduggery under his bed. "Won't they go to the professors? Or Dumbledore?"

"Ha! Sayin' they got robbed after they get their ass whooped for talkin' shit?" Rookwood spat, with disdain.

Lucius smirked. "Only the worst kind of emasculated coward would do that."

"I suppose Gryffindors have some pride..." Rabastan decided, and resumed digging.

"Pride my ass. We're not gonna fight, we're not gonna argue." Rodolphus tucked the last of his toys into their respective places. "We'll just hit those fuckers with a bottle."

"Class, Rodolphus." Lucius drawled lazily.

"Yeah, yeah," he griped. "Just make sure you get that bitch in the mouth with a handful of your rings, whack the taste out of it."

Severus stared in disbelief. "Will no one tell me what this is about?" he demanded.

Nott snickered. "Eh, you'll see later, won't you."

Severus scowled.

The Slytherin group lurked in the hallway that led up to the Gryffindor portrait, waiting for the gang of offenders right outside their door. They had taken their verbal assaults too far, and too personal - the Slytherins would not sit back and refrain from retaliation.

Rodolphus sniggered. "We bout to throw dem bows, all right..."

"Left to right." Nott nodded.

Rabastan gave him a blank stare.

"What bows?"

"EL-bows, you idiot!" exclaimed Rodolphus, exasperated.

Finally, they watched as the Gryffindors sauntered down the hallway, back from dinner.

'Well, well, well! What do we have here?"

Sirius Black, all cockiness and swagger, stopped in front of Lucius, clique and all. Lucius looked extremely foreboding. James Potter and Remus Lupin flanked Sirius.

"Whatcha got, some beef with us or something?"

"You know we do, Black. The reason we're here is understood. You've been dissing my crew. That's disrespect." Lucius cocked an eyebrow and glared stonily at Black, who wore an overconfident grin.

"Well, I don't care for what you call it, Malfoy, cuz I'm like a rock, and I ain't bouncin'!"

"Oh, you're like a rock, huh?" A smirk crept upon Lucius's face, glowing pale in the dimly lit hallway.

Sirius stepped even closer, deliberately intruding into Lucius's personal space. "And I'm not moving, son!"

"Let me understand this; you're like a rock, and a rock doesn't move..." Lucius mimed a thoughtful face, which split into a grin as he forcefully shoved Sirius out of his personal space. "Look, the rock moved."

A loud murmur of "Ooohh..." rang out from both sides.

"Alright, you're gonna need to be careful about what you be pushin', because them Muggles say there's a law that goes that an object you push, might come and push you back!" Butchering Newton's First Law, Sirius shoved Malfoy back, who barely stumbled, but shock still crossed his face.

Lucius recovered quickly, and his usual smirk returned to mock Sirius. "Awww. I must say, you may have some cute going for you, Sirius, but you're going to get a lot of ugly when this is over."

"You don't have to worry about me, it's your pretty face that's gonna need guardin', cuz' I'm about to bruise it!"

"You've been talking your mess for far too long, Black. Your world is gonna cave in, just like your face. And if any of your little friends want some, they're next." Lucius's smirk transmogrified into a sneer.

Black let out a sharp laugh that sounded like a bark. "You actin' real hard, Malfoy. You can't step to this - you can't step nothing! Gonna catch one your lip and go home cryin'?"

"It's go hard or go home, Black."

Rodolphus let out a hysterical hyena laugh behind him. "You gon' feel elbows in your brain, trick!" More noises picked up, and catcalls began to ring out from the Slytherin side.

"He thank he cute!"

"Bitch please!"

"He wants his dome split!"

Jeer after jeer, until Malfoy held his hand up for silence.

"Your mother's so stupid, I saw her walking down the street, yelling into an envelope and when people asked what she was doing, she said she was sending a Howler."

The Slytherin side cracked up.

"Oh, snap!"


The Gryffindors immediately recognized the game. James Potter blurted, "Yo momma's so ugly she makes banshees retire!"

Boos immediately issued from the Slytherins, and they made thumbs down gestures while mocking Potter. Rodolphus took the stand.

"Yo momma's so stupid her shoes say TGIF - toes go in front, bitch!"

The Slytherins howled with mirth, as Remus Lupin stepped forward.

"Your mom's so fat, her blood type is O... REO!"

Everyone stared at him blankly, except one or two Muggle-borns. He sulked. "Bitches don't know about my goddamn Muggle Oreos," he muttered, retreating back.

"Yo momma's so fat, when she walk down the street in her jeans you can smell that burnin'!" Nott called.

Rookwood, highly amused, joined in. "Yo momma got a wood leg with a kickstand, motherfucker!"

"Your momma's so dumb she told a goblin to clean her house!"

"Yo momma so nasty them trolls be going 'Oh damn she stank!'"

"Yo mama's so ugly she scares blind children!"

Random members of each house called out their jibes, insulting each other's mothers. Finally, Lucius spoke again, looking directly at Sirius.

"Your mother's so ugly... she looks like you."

Some in the Slytherin crowd echoed the thoughts of everyone present.

"Oooh, burned!"

"Oh ho ho, now he done it!"

Sirius took real, major offense at Lucius's statement. He hated his mother with an infernal passion of a thousand suns, and absolutely detested it when anyone likened the two of them in any way. His hatred for his mother was an unspeakable, black, twisted, foul-

Two very impatient crowds waiting in the corridor yelled, "GET ON WITH IT!"

Alright, geez.

Sirius's face blanched with vehemence. "That shit ain't funny, motherfucker!"

"Oh, you wanna do this now, huh, you wanna do this right here, heffa?!" Lupin snarled, angered at the verbal blow Lucius had dealt his boy.

Rodolphus cawed. "You bet your hoodrat ass we doing this right here!"

At the mention of "hoodrat" being directed at Remus, Sirius was once again, antagonized beyond belief. "What the fuck did you just say, you slag?!"

"Yeah, that's right, I just called your boy a ho, got a problem with that?"

"Damn straight I got a problem with that, since it's coming from the god damn skeezer that got beaten with Merlin's ugly stick!"

"Excuse me?! Oh, this is fuckin' on-" Rodolphus, provoked, darted in front of Malfoy, and swung at Black. Metal and fist connected with his cheek, his metal knuckles adapted for gouging flesh as it met his face.

Nott gave a low whistle. "Oh, that's gonna scar..."

"Put ya dukes up, bitch!"

Lestrange had injured his lover. So of course, Remus lost it, and immediately stepped forward to engage him fiercely. And once they began to fight, the two alpha males of each group began to duel, and taking their cue from them, so did the rest of their gangs.

Sirius lunged at Malfoy, who seized a tight stranglehold on his neck, keeping him place, and introduced his face to his fist, adorned with huge chunks of metal and gems. The sheer impact fractured his jaw. Sirius's eyes widened with shock and pain, which evolved into an angry stare, eyes narrowed as he focused on his revenge. He clawed at Malfoy viciously, barely missing his face. Lucius parried the blow, reversed his footwork and sunk his elbow into the weakest part of Black's ribs. His grin gleamed evilly, watching blood trickle from the corner of Black's mouth.

Lestrange, meanwhile, was cheerfully splitting Remus's lip, delighted when he saw a deep fissure grow. Remus charged at him, but Rodolphus was smarter than that - he stepped aside, waiting for Remus to go past him, and caught him in a tackle, slamming him down onto the floor, kneeing him in the back. His own personally modified version of a cilice, designed to wound others rather than him, dug into Remus's robes and skin.

"Who's the skank now?" he crowed. He looked up to see the Fat Lady watching down on them all with horror in her eyes. Returning a look of pure glee, he snatched at Remus's curls, making him howl.

James Potter had immediately hunted down and gone for Nott, who was more than ready. Unbeknownst to him, Rookwood skulked behind him, slinking up and handcuffing his arms behind his back. Surprise had barely any time to register in Potter's mind, let alone panic, as a laden fist collided with his features, altering his physiognomy. Rookwood shot Nott a crooked smile, expressing congratulations and praise.

"S'all you, baby," Nott replied modestly, as he brought his fist down on Potter's head, and watched him slump to the floor with an immense feeling of fulfillment.


Unknown to all the brawling members of both houses, a familiar scruffy cat observed the proceedings, and darted down the hallway to find her owner.

Moments later, Argus Filch appeared at the scene. He went livid.

"Stop fighting! Right now!"

Naturally, barely anyone took any heed of him; none of them even heard him. His pallor flushed with indignation, and he headed off to find the first teacher he could find. Stomping angrily down the hallways, he came upon Albus Dumbledore, who had returned from his evening stroll.

"Sir! Students fighting in the corridors, sir -" he panted breathlessly.

Albus looked mildly surprised. "Is there a rule that says students may not fight in corridors?"

Puzzled, he looked up at Albus. "No sir, but they aren't allowed to do magic in the corridors, sir."

A curious smile spread across his wizened mien. "And are they using magic?"

Filch knew he was defeated, and he admitted, "No, they're using Muggle things, sir."

"Well, we can't charge them for a petty little fistfight, can we?" Humor twinkled in his eye, and before Filch could say a word more, he swept out of the Entrance Hall. "Goodnight, Argus."

"But... but…" stammered Filch. His shoulders slumped, and Mrs Norris rubbed herself against his leg sympathetically.

"Never mind, my sweet," he said, sighing. "We'll get them next time."


Severus, who had abandoned his books in favour of satisfying his curiosity, trotted down the hallway out of the dungeons, but half the male population of the Slytherin house was nowhere to be seen. Applying logic, he headed up to the seventh floor, making his way to the Fat Lady’s portrait.

Granted, he'd watch them prepare their arsenal all evening, but nothing prepared him for the carnage he saw in front of him. Blood bloomed everywhere, especially those closest to Rodolphus and his razor-sharp weaponry.

He watched, face ashen.


Thirty-five pairs of eyes (sans Potter, who was out cold) turned away from the person they were currently bashing up, or from the one currently bashing them up. Thirty-five pairs of eyes swiveled towards him. Severus had succeeded where Filch had failed extravagantly.

Lucius spoke first. "What are you doing here, Severus?"

Arms crossed, he fixed the whole lot of them with an outraged glare. He was boiling with anger, and it radiated from him. "I came to see what you idiots were up to. I expected more civility from Slytherins, especially some of you." He stared pointedly at Lucius, who was examining the blood caked on his rings with a small smile. He looked up innocently, but was rebuffed by the black-red aura emanating from Severus.

Sirius, though bleeding from the mouth, had enough bravado left to gloat. "Awh, hell, look - Malfoy, your little bitch came running to rescue you!"

Severus ignored his taunt. Sirius walked over to Malfoy, limping slightly. "What, your game so sorry you gotta wait for your bitch to come save it?"

Malfoy turned back, fixing Black with a malevolent stare. "Walk home, Black."

"This rivalry is childish. First of all, I am not his 'bitch'-" Severus paused to make apostrophes in the air with his fingers, and continued. "-and this is absolutely ridiculous. You're fighting over nothing."

Sirius's grin turned several shades of salacious. "Whassamatter, Malfoy?" he slurred, from possible brain damage. "I knew you ain't treatin' your boy right! Hey, shorty wanna come home with me, I'd give you some real satisfaction, since this whiny bitch ass ain't givin' you none-" Sirius vaunted, grabbing Malfoy's derriere to illustrate his point.

A collective gasp from everyone present; they all knew Sirius had taken it way too far, and way too personal - again. Malfoy was taken aback, too shocked beyond reaction to do or say anything in his defense.

He didn't have to. Severus's usual wan complexion blanched again with shock, and then turned considerably dark with quiet fury. The groups of Slytherins and Gryffindors hushed immediately, silent as a grave from fear and apprehension.

Severus walked over, his demeanor seemingly calm, but tendrils of wrath grew in his aura, which had gone a disturbing black. The crowd seemed to shrink back, as though anticipating the deleterious turn in the situation. He stopped in front of Malfoy, looking directly at Sirius in the eye, gaze burning into the other boy.

"I was planning to let all this go at first," he said, voice laced with ominous ruin. "Don't act like you don't know - I hear everything you say, Black. Lack of reaction does not mean lack of acknowledgement." Behind him, Lucius and the Slytherins turned towards Severus, then to each other, confused.

"Now you did it."

One final resolute stare, and Severus let loose a huge bitchslap that landed squarely where Lucius's rings had cracked his jaw. The impact of his super mega king kameha bitchslap was so awesome that somewhere, in a Muggle orphanage, babies died.

Well, not really, but you get the idea.

An enormous "SMACK" resounded down the hallway. Sirius hit the floor, felled by Severus’s only stroke. The Slytherins' jaws dropped to the blood-soaked carpet, while the Gryffindors' faces drained of color, and their legs became weak. Immediately, they fled, stepping over each other, clamouring in fear. They retreated hastily into the safety of their Common Room, where no Slytherin could not reach them. They could not care less about abandoning their leader, who had just gotten pwned so severely by someone smaller than himself (or about James, who was still out cold, several feet from Sirius).

Rodolphus was the first to rejoice. Walking over to Sirius, he put his boot on Sirius's chest, mad joy dancing in his eyes as he looked down at his defeated enemy.

"Damn, shawty, you got knocked the FUCK out!"

He cawed loudly, as Slytherins in the background whooped. The noise traveled; inside the Common Room it made the Gryffindors sick to hear the Slytherins triumph. Severus stood sullen, however, disgusted at the show of bloodlust on the Slytherins' part.

They began their trek back down to the dungeons, going over the notable highlights of their battle.

"Damn, Rodolphus... your little tricks spilled a lot of blood today," Rookwood remarked happily.

Lestrange flashed a winning smile. "You know I don't stop till I leave bitches leaking blood."

"Like it's period time, man!"

"Nott, that's really gross."

"Sorry," Nott said, offering a sheepish grin.


Back in the Common Room, the boys of the second boy's dorm merrily nursed their minor injuries with Firewhiskey. The more serious casualties had reported to Madam Pomfrey for healing and an earful for fighting in the corridors.

Severus made sure they all suffered his disapproval.

"I still can't believe you would fight over something so stupid-"

"Hey, we rep the Slytherins, we have to defend our pride, right?" came Rookwood's rebuttal, as he waved a bottle around with a silly smile. "Plus, you're the one that slapped the bullshit out of Black!"

"Yeah, that was some fucking bitchslap all right," Lestrange agreed, voice filled with admiration. He looked up from cleaning the blood off his toys. "You shoulda see how it looked - BOOM!- and the sonuvabitch hit the floor right away."

"I am fully aware of how it looked, thank you very much," said Severus, peeved. He took in a mouthful of Firewhiskey to quell his rage. "I'm not proud of my actions, and neither should you be -"

"Not to mention is why you did it," sniggered Nott.

Rabastan stopped polishing his boots. "Because he grabbed Lucius's bum?"

"I did not-"

"What about my bum?" Lucius queried, entering the Common Room. He had taken off his rings and coat, and his frame looked much less bulky. He took a seat in an armchair. "Nice blow, Severus. I never knew you were capable of such..." He drifted off, looking for a suitable word.

"Ownage?" Nott piped up.

Lucius paused. "Something along those lines."

"Ownage is right, man." Rookwood leaned back in his chair, finished with cleaning up. "He damn near stole your thunder with that one hit too, Lucius."

Severus was annoyed.

"Look, do you not see how absurd this is, what you fight over?"

Everyone looked at him, curious.

"And besides, he was taunting me. I am perfectly capable of defending my own honor -"

"As we witnessed," mused Lucius.

Rabastan gave a small laugh. "And defending someone else's honor, too..."

Severus pointedly ignored his statement. "I still can't believe you would resort to physical violence. With Muggle weapons, no less."

"What Rookwood said, Sev, we got Slytherin pride." Nott snickered, grabbing the Firewhiskey from Rookwood and taking a swig. "It's been a long day, think I'm gonna turn in soon." He headed to the dorms, followed by several other tired revelers who called out quick goodbyes. The Common Room emptied quickly.

Severus refused to be left alone with Malfoy, even though he could not deny the truth of what Rabastan had said - Black's indecency towards Lucius had provoked him into attack. He rose to leave, but Lucius gripped his arm gently, stopping him.

"I should thank you for what you did today, Severus."

Lucius seized him around the waist, pulling Severus towards him playfully, but Severus resisted.

"I didn't do it for you," he said quickly.

"Then who did you do it for?" Lucius murmured into his ear, his tone darkly amused. He felt the boy's hesitation, and knew he could not reply. Severus turned around to object, but even before he could utter anything in his defense, Lucius took Severus's lips against his own, conveying his gratitude by pulling him into a kiss.

Both of them tasted notes of Firewhiskey, traces of it in each other's mouths.

When Lucius finally withdrew, he left a very stunned Severus in his wake.

“Well…" Severus began slowly. “I suppose if your motive is true…”

Lucius leaned into the boy, laughing genuinely. “Then I may be forgiven, hm?”

“If I ever catch any of you planning another… bloodbath like this again, you will suffer the consequences this time.” He gazed sternly at Lucius, not answering his question. “It’s late, we should get to bed.”

Lucius moved to tease the delicate shell of Severus’s ear. “How direct you are, Severus…”

Severus narrowed his eyes, and smacked Malfoy on the arm. “Pervert.”

He still allowed Lucius to drape his arm around his shoulder, as they both headed off to the dorm.

Date: 2008-08-03 05:51 am (UTC)From: [identity profile] xxecodxx.livejournal.com
Oh my God... GENIUS! :D


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Lucius Malfoy/Severus Snape

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